It always takes me a few days to get used to sleeping alone after the weekend, which isn’t very logical since he only stays over on one night a week. When we got the double bed I knew the kind of commitment it was - loneliness is a empty queen sized bed.
loneliness is a empty queen sized bed
Originally uploaded by rationalneurotic
This is a photo of furgie because I obviously can’t post a photo of my 4 month old fujitsu since it’s in the service center for the 4th or 5th time, and except for the 2nd time they were for more than 2 weeks each time. The service is getting crappier and they are changing my main board for the 2nd time. I didn’t even get to use it for 4 hours before the display started failing on me. They updated the display driver just before that because I couldn’t wake the laptop up completely from sleep. So yeah. I’m screwed. I should have just bought the cheap one, prob would have made no difference.
Damn. *curses*
Computer is down, so yeah here’s a real cute photo of Furgie
Originally uploaded by rationalneurotic
Kiwi has a special affinity for Westin. She loves to sit on his lap. And when he comes she’ll squeak squeak happily.
Kiwi
Originally uploaded by rationalneurotic
Cheap old school ice lollies do the trick for me =)
For a hot day
Originally uploaded by rationalneurotic
I know most of you have not noticed my absence.
I guess I should explain why, but why I have to explain, I don’t know.
More than ever, I have faced a report card that is increasingly upsetting; a cross-road that neither of the paths are meaningful or attractive to me; a non-decision where a decision should be.
While I was gathering my thoughts on this post, I had a million things to say. Some of them upset me so much that I ran, ran away from them, as if it would make a difference. But I have no one to blame.
It is time for my yearly silence, only this year it will be much longer. I don’t know how long it will be: it may be last a few hours, or even a few weeks. I don’t know.
The truth is, I never gotten over it. I have become generally happier in knowing that my life should go on, but I have never gotten over it. It still upsets me, although the frequency is much less. My refuges have become anything but, and I have morphed into someone I absolutely detest. I do not recognise myself. But I am not sorry at being more aggressive, more confronting, more aware on the fact that pleasing you seems to upset the both of us, so why not just please myself?
How the proud have eaten dust; how the proud is faced with dirt? How the proud is broken, and how the proud is beaten. I knew that I am not special, and I knew that I am nothing extraordinary. My loved ones have suffered for it; I have never received support or recognition of any kind anyway. Would things have been different? I don’t know. But this is the reality.
Some of my friends, include those that I am willing to trade my organs for theirs, have made me feel like I am obstructing their lives. Perhaps it is true. But to have to beg you to meet, and to be duly kicked (even in jest) when I am down - it is something I would never ever do to you in the same situation. Yes, every word you say had become a knife twisting in my heart. It had hurt. Some words, I know, are well-intentioned advice. However, more than ever, you have succeeded, whether you meant it or not, in making me feel inferior. You think you know me, and you dismiss me totally. You twist my reasonings into mere excuses and tell people half-truths about me, although you assume that they don’t believe it. They do, I assure you. Even so, I don’t give up on my friends. You perhaps don’t realise it’s you. Perhaps a wretched life I must lead.
Perhaps it’s time to totally strip myself. To give up whatever I have and just be a speck in the dust, to give up what I’ve learnt, to give up whatever I know I have and submit to the ways of the world. Afterall, you guys have given me so much shit about it.
On a side but related note: I had it with assuming ”questions” about my studies, projects and work, especially from those people I’ve already explained to. Perhaps you, with your puny mind, have rejected my reasoning for my own life, like how you reject what I prefer to call myself by. The only person I do not feel stressed by asking is Westin, because he has gone through the exactly the same thing. I know you are well-intentioned, but it’s none of your business. You don’t know me.
My mind has writhed, the words and thoughts in it thrown against each other. My brain is a mess, totally full of hate, angst and sorrow. What I truly believe in - it’s simple, but you choose not to see it, merely dismissing it as always, finding excuses instead of seeing why. What I truly think and feel, you will never know. You will probably never know and understand me.
Perhaps very few of you truly do, even those I call my friends. I just need time, and space. So I must apologise to those I have promised, I will not be going for your events. I already have started to not recognise myself. I just need to be me again, before I lose myself totally.
twit twit
